It's been awhile...

Truthfully, I have tried to post many times over the years but I couldn't find the right words. Knowing you are going to be a Mommy is one thing - you know it will change your life forever, you know there will be challenges and even better times ahead. You never expect to be a single parent though.

There are challenges in life where you are tested by every pull in the universe. You hold on to what you have with every ounce of strength you have left. You refuse to just give up. You refuse to be beaten down. You refuse to accept what's really happening. You know there are things you just simply cannot control and that is the start of a new journey.
That moment when you accept the inevitable and start thinking of ways to rebuild around all of it - its that moment you feel the weight of everything start to lift off your shoulders. You find peace in life when you stop fighting (literally) with the inevitable.
It was never planned in any way shape or form that I would be doing this parenting thing this way. I don't think anyone actually wants to do it by themselves. It comes down to happiness - I was not happy and couldn't continue being that way just so Adriana can have both her parents together. She still has both of us and always will.
When I first wanted to be a Mommy, I was so confident in myself to do it with or without someone by my side. I never changed my thoughts or views on that and to this day I know I am a good Mommy despite the changes these last few years.
This is not a bashing to Dad's out there or a sob story. Its my personal feelings which I keep personal. Take this as an update.
One of my favourite poems is Footprints in the Sand. It holds such true meaning to me ever since I was a little kid in Elementary school. Its a reminder to always have faith in what will be even when you don't think you will make it. Know that there is always a God to help "carry" you along. This comes in many different forms: friends, family, animals, etc.

Mental Health and Meditation

Do you ever have days weeks where you just feel drained? Lately, I am finding myself overwhelmed and tired. I can't seem to fight off this throat infection, which I initially thought was a cold or flu. I am hanging on with everything I have; trying not to let it get the best of me. It seems to be one thing after another. Keeping focused on the positive things is difficult but thank goodness for the holiday season to give me a boost of spirit.

Do I dare throughout the word again? The word that I have been able to overcome for a few years now. Something that had taken a toll on my overall life and I had refused to let it happen again.  That word most people push off as "all in the head" - anxiety.

Its more than most people think. You really don't know what its like until you've walked in those shoes. I was naïve about this condition (that's exactly what it is!) until I started to get symptoms in 2009. I was diagnosed with Situational Anxiety that was deemed to be work related. During my journey of tests, I also found out I have a minor heart condition (irregular heart beat) which only makes anxiety worse for me. I was never to the point of shaking, or beads of sweat but rather a more painful route.

You know the term "You're getting on my nerves" it was literally that. I was in constant pain in my arms (mostly hands) and had visited a hand specialist. I suffered from severe tension headaches which I had CT Scan done to ensure it wasn't anything more seriously. My joints ached mostly in my back and hands.

Anxiety is a mood. When it becomes a mental disorder, that is, characterized by excessive, uncontrollable and often irrational worry about everyday things that is disproportionate to the actual source of worry, it is diagnosed as generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).

I have been able to keep my anxiety at bay with some simple techniques which include writing. Releasing the thoughts onto paper is an amazing way to release a portion of anxiety. Introduce yourself to other outlets and see what works best for you. I fell in love with meditation around this time as well. I would sit for a few (3-5) minutes at first and several times a day. I gradually increased the time and lessen the frequency to twice a day at 30mins each. Meditation is a great way to calm your thoughts and focus on the good energy. Follow this with a few simple yoga poses and you are on your way to self-bliss.

I need to regain my focus.

I am continuing my writings on a daily basis - some published and some not. I have veered away aimlessly from my meditation and yoga. I am a believer in the strength meditation has on someone living with anxiety but sometimes life sidetracks you. It happens and thats alright.

I bring myself back to when I first realized my anxiety. The whys and how all went through my head - not good for someone who already has a racing mind. I use that time in my life to get me back on track and avoid episodes of heart palpitations,  racing thoughts, increase heart rate, etc.

If you or anyone you know may be suffering from anxiety, please visit your doctor and discuss your options. Its more than just talking to someone. Its more than medication. It starts from within.

Guest Post: Oliver Manalese

 

Three Ways of Avoiding Kryptonite For Super-Moms & Super-Dads

When meeting someone for the first time, the most common follow up question after brief introductions is "What do you do?" And most often than not, people will respond with the job title they have on their business card or what they have posted on their LinkedIn profile. 

So, what's wrong with this?

The trouble I find is that so many of us get trapped and our job description easily consumes us and becomes our life description. Something I am familiar with first hand as well as with the clients I work with.

Now if you're reading this, you probably can agree when I say that I believe the main reason we are here at all is to make babies! To cultivate and nurture the next generation of humans to the best of our abilities. To teach them by being powerful and consistent examples. To embody the qualities we wish to instil in them. 

This by far I believe is the most important job in the world… next to taking care of our self, of course. You'll see what I mean in a minute.

(Side note: Now I know for a multitude of reasons not all of us want to or will have children, but this conversation applies to you too! We are all part of valuable relationships and what comes next can relate to so many. I hope you receive value in this.)

I truly admire the many mothers and fathers out there who embrace this and pour their hearts and souls to making sure their children have an incredible life. 

You inspire me and I personally can't imagine what it's like. But please take what I say next for what it is… coming from a single guy without any children of his own… yet!

You are not superhuman.

And that's okay.

Really. 

Give yourself permission to stop being so hard on your self for not being enough, doing enough or having enough.

I see so many of my friends and clients who are loving, generous and selfless parents. I watch them working their butts off to be providers, surviving on less sleep and rearranging their lives and relationships for their kids.

But being SuperMom and/or SuperDad means you have to face your kryptonite… Burn out. 

You can only run your life at full tilt for so long.  Low self care, weight gain, stress, pressure of being a parent is the eventual result.

So how do we avoid this?

Simply. 

You can't. 

I'm sorry. But it's unavoidable.

I'm not here to sugarcoat it and tell you that there are people in the world who have limitless energy, give continuously and experience balance and joy ALL of the time. 

There is no magic formula. There is no one size fits all solution.

What I can tell you is this… There are parents just like you who spend quantity and quality time with their children, maintain a strong, passionate connection with their partner, earn a good living, have free time, go on dates, have time to hang with friends, have healthy and nourished bodies, find fulfilment… and they seem to be able to do it all!

Sounds great, right?

Now if you look deeper you will see that it's not rainbows and unicorns all of the time. And that doesn't make it good or bad. It just means it's hard work. 

But imagine... what it would be like to feel and be all of the above, especially in the moments where it matters most. 

To have that extra bit of compassion, attention and love when your partner or your child needs it most? To be centred, emotionally aware and strong during the tougher moments? To be patient, thoughtful and open when it would be much easier to be bossy, imposing and demanding.

Take it for what it is, but the following are insights that have greatly helped me and the people I work with.

It Starts With You... Yeah, you.

We must first give to our selves before we can give to another. 

It's just like when riding on an airplane. During emergency situations when the oxygen mask drops down in front of you, the first person to place the mask on is your self. Yes, even before your child or loved one. 

Put in another way. Imagine your energy, will power and presence is like a cup full of water. Every time you share your self with another you pour a little bit here and there and before you know it... the cup is empty! 

These are some practices that help you fill your own cup. To give to your self first so that you can be more present, attentive, loving, generous and compassionate for those you care about most when it matters most.

Self-Care and Well-Being

Write down ten things you can do on a daily basis that make you feel great. Throughout the day start checking them off! 

Some suggestions could be to meditate, experience gratitude, reading for 15 minutes, hugging my children, exercise, going for a walk, taking my vitamins, taking a nap, laughing, etc.

This daily practice has been life changing for me and my clients. 

Download a free copy of The Well-Being Checklist

Download a free copy of The Well-Being tracking sheet

Date Your Self

This is one of my favourites. It is also one of the most challenging to do for the first time. This is about cultivating a nourishing relationship with your self. To give your self down time. Solo time. To eliminate the noise and rejuvenate.

Ask yourself: If I were to go on a date with myself what would I do?

Some suggestions could be to go out to dinner (dessert included!), watch a movie, see a play, spend time in nature or near water or try doing something new! 

Again these are just some suggestions. Feel free to be creative.

I made a short video about solo-dates called: "Solo Dates, Self-Love and Dating Oneself"

You can view it here. 

Attitude of Gratitude

Gratification is getting something you don't already have. Gratitude is wanting what you do have.

It's about acknowledging, appreciating and being thankful for the people and things you have in your life. 

Right when you wake up and before you go to bed, think about… actually FEEL what you are grateful for in your life.

Every day will be different but experience the gratitude you have for the friends and family in your life. The support of your partner. The gift that is your child. Living in a safe and loving home. 

It can also be as simple as being grateful for having food in the fridge, gas in the car to get around or listening to music that moves you.

All in all, I feel that as individuals begin to take responsibility back for their well-being and cultivate a healthy sense of self, we can actually make the world a better place. Starting with our selves, being an example and influencing and impacting those around us helps shape our environment in a more beautiful light.

Try practicing some of these the next seven days and see how you feel. Would love to hear your stories and experiences!

Peace & Love.

About Oliver:

Oliver Manalese is an Executive Consultant & Coach focusing on these main principles: know thyself, love thyself, express thyself. The bulk of our reality which includes the quality, integrity and well-being of our health, finances, relationships and work is all a by-product of our depth of understanding and continual growth in each of these three areas. This holistic approach to personal transformation provides the tools and insights for individuals to find alignment with their true self and will have a long-term, positive impact beyond the duration Oliver’s coaching programs. Oliver is also an entrepreneur, a licensed real estate professional, singer-songwriter, whole foods lover and certified Yoga Instructor. 

For more visit: www.olivermanalese.com